Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
