I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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