she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
