i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
