my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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