I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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