Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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