remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I think my fart just growled at me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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