My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
