we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
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Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
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Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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