I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
