Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
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Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
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Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
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