i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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