He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
