haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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