I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
