is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
