i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
