worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
