Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
