So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
