i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
