Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
