I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
