the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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