Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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