She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
