I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
