he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Randomize