watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
