Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
