party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
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A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
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Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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