I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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