There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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