i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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