There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
