u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
