by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize