I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
