Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
