im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
