I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
