We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
