Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
