question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
