Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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