If i come over, it means nothing
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
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I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
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Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.