dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
