I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
