I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
