the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
