i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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