She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
