we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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