Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
