apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
