Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
